The Enema Was There… When Man Invented Fire

Scientists working in the heartland of Pangaea have announced the discovery of a substance dubbed “Fire.” Ug of Ug and Ug’s Research Laboratory held a press conference earlier today.“Preliminary reports indicate that ‘Fire’ is neither a rock nor a food, but some strange third class of object,” he reported. This controversial statement has the scientific community up in arms.“There has only ever been rocks and food, and there will only ever be rocks and food,” said one objector.

In a prepared statement on the discovery, President-for-life Ugh chanted “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!” for 30 minutes.
“I fear for the long term warfare implications. I have long been an advocate for the demilitarization of Pangaea; if the apes get wind of this, there will be no telling how this Gorilla warfare will end,” President Ugh was later quoted as saying.

The potential impact of fire on the economy has also become a hot issue with Pangea’s only economist.
“The stick market is steady based on the assumption of a healthy mammoth harvest,” said financial guru Igg. “I predict that ‘Fire’ could be a real market force. We might be playing a whole new game soon.”
Banking on the potential success of ‘Fire,’ the rights have already been licensed to blockbuster tribal dance.

The Glacial Fighters Union expressed hope that fire would be of use in their continuing war against glaciers.
“Fire has already been proven to be more effective against ice than screaming, beating drums and sharp sticks combined, ” a Glacial Union rep said.

We must caution our readers that fire is for External use only, and should be not by used to burn anything you are attached to.