Heavenly Horoscopes…with Sunflower Goldschmidt

Hello Astral Traveler. You and I are on a roller coaster of metaphor this week, with the role bar being replaced by a cactus. Have no fear, I have channeled the musings of the space-demon Gralgathor and bring to you today astral guidance for the coming weeks. Beware, for there is a chance Gralgathor lied to me. You know how space-demons are, after all. So take this week’s predictions with a shot of salt. You might need it.

Gemini: “Love means never having to wear your sari,” reads chapter 4 of the book Extreme Ironing and What it Can Do for You. When thinking about the difficulties of ironing saris on top of Mount Everest, in the depths of the Amazon Forest and the broad middle of the Sahara Desert, I conclude it is best not to wear one at all. So, Geminis, the moral of the story (according to the astrological omens anyway) is to be naked more often and save yourself some ironing.

Cancer: Okay Crabs, let’s face it: As Venus moves into your 7th house you will experience an upsurge of confidence in your love life, such as it is. You feel good, you look good and goshdarn it, people like you. You go girls and guys! Of course if this isn’t true, don’t despair, there is light at the end of the tunnel: You can channel this amorous energy toward your time at the gym.

Leo: In order to get a clearer understanding of your astrological omens for this week, I journeyed to the depths of the underworld and saw horrors no human mind could comprehend. But it didn’t end up being pertinent to your horoscope. But just before writing this, I did see my old cat Fluffy. Fluffy came right up to me, meowed prettily and lay down in my lap for a nice snooze. So this week imitate Fluffy and infuse your life with fuzziness, warmth and pretty meows.

Virgo: Your meticulous eye for detail will come in handy this week, since the forecast for your finances points to extreme complications. Money will be flowing in and out of your hands with frightening speed and irregularity. My advice to you is to hang on for the ride until Jupiter passes out of your 18th house and forms and isosceles triangle with Ceres. Things should smooth out then, but the ever-unpredictable energy of Mercury remains uncomfortably close, so don’t relax completely.

Libra: This week for you Libras is The Week of the Vegetational Hero. You have the power within you to save the world through vegetation. Eat it, smoke it, plant it, water it, strew it, mix it, wear it, or even roll in it, just be heroic!

Scorpio: Scorpios, It’s time to get your manipulative machine going: the rest of humanity is ripe for conquest. Your inner con-artist has been yearning to break free and the conditions are right to get a move on. JUST KIDDING! In reality, the omens point to a need for more honesty. Try some more constructive pursuits like salesmanship, marketing, or politics.

Sagittarius: No one likes stupid centaurs.

Capricorn: To meditate more fully on the omens for you goat-fish this week, I turned to my favorite copy of Tom Clancy’s Ops Center. As I perused the pages, I realized that the heavens were trying tell you that teamwork and organization would be paramount to you this week. The stakes will be high, the situation will be messy and only you can see it through to a happy ending…or can you?

Aquarius: The theme this week for all you water-bearers out there is purification. You really are dirty sons-of-bitches, so damn it, go get clean! Saturn, a rather clean planet, is transiting your sign this week. All this cleanliness is further emphasized by the dodecahedron formed by several comets in Virgo. There is also a lot of perihelion motion through the Pegasus galaxy, so expect the spiritual equivalent to caked on layers of dirt and grime. Scrub hard, Aquarii, it’ll be worth it.

Pisces: The moon is making a rare appearance in your sign this week, so get ready for some serious emotional rollercoaster rides. I know it seems like this has been going on for ages, but if you can just hold on a little longer peace will be yours. Jupiter’s fortunate influence is moving into your sign next month, so it will all be over soon. In the meantime, just hang on for the ride.