Heavenly Horoscopes Vol II

Why hello there, Astral Traveler. I see that you have survived the past two weeks under Gralgathor’s influences. He really is sweet once nuzzle one of his 6-tummies. Now, the alphabet-letters in my alphabet soup have proven a guide to the twisting river of fate that we are embarking on this week. Just remember, Astral Traveler, this will be no ordinary 6 hour tour.

Aquarius
The Heavens tell me you might be tempted to drop your EMU food court paycheck on a handle of Hood River Gin and won’t be able to stop yourself from sending dozens of text messages to that ex of yours who totally said he still wanted to be friends but was definitely all over that skank at that party the other night and you just want to know are they dating or what. The stars tell me it’s a good time to suppress those impulses. There will be other nights for facebook stalking your ex. Do your homework instead.

Pisces
Pisces, Pisces, Pisces – the Heavens tell me you’re going to feel the need to seek out a little validation today at work, at home or with friends. It’s a sensitive, emotional time for you and you’re going to need some support and affection. My advice to you is this: peel yourself away from whatever shoulder you’re whimpering on and grow a pair. You best drop that needy shit before you get your weepy ass whupped, son. You feel me? Shit.

Aries
You are fit to burst with constructive energy today. According to the stars, a career in the entertainment industry is a strong possibility right now. I hear the Silver Dollar Club is hiring. The stars give you an edge over any other applicant, and you have more talent in your little finger than any Thurston dropout has in their entire cracked-out body.

Taurus
Today your heart is happy and your communication with young people is excellent. So blow off another dinner with your girlfriend for the multi-table beer pong championship where you will totally be dedicating each successful shot to your buddy’s super-hot little sister. You’re clearly in no danger of
being misunderstood.

Gemini
Today you have an A+ attitude, you’re extremely well focused and you’ll even have the chance to make a new friend! In plain English, prepare to get more ass than you know what to do with. Boys, girls, farm animals, whatever sex parts you’re looking for, they will be thrust upon you with a vengeance. Better invest in some condoms, day-after pills, and liquid latex.

Cancer
Today is a day of charity and good deeds. You might even help someone without realizing it. Like, say, that girl who sits behind you in your philosophy class. I bet she’s really a very honest, dedicated student who just gets a little scatterbrained sometimes and forgets a test she has the next morning. You understand. So if you could just tilt your scantron slightly to the right…Thanks.

Leo
Well, Leo, the Heavens tell me that your ability to put your experiences into words is evident today. Congratulations, Captain Obvious. You know how to talk about shit you’ve seen. We’re all very proud.

Virgo
Talk about a mandate from Heaven: I’ve been told to warn you, Virgo, that you’re going to have lots of free time starting today and you should undertake some kind of project to keep from becoming a lazy bum. The stars suggest growing your own herbs this summer. Apparently, the good smells have healing properties you should take advantage of. I fully agree. In fact, when your herbs are ready you should let me come over and smell them for myself. Besides, sharing is, like, way good karma.

Libra
The stars tell me you ought to just relax, Libra. It may be the end of the term with finals looming, but this is a horoscope. You know, a prediction of your future based on a bunch of giant rocks and balls of gas spinning through space? You should obviously just do what some chick on her Macbook – I mean, uh, the Heavenly Bodies tell you to do.

Scorpio
Today you’re feeling extra motivated and unwilling to settle for anything less than the best. Boyfriend forget your three-month anniversary? Dump him with a text message! Professor give you a D on your midterm? Devastate his professional and personal life by accusing him of sexual harassment! Go for it, Scorpio! Today the stars have your back.

Sagittarius
Today you’re stress-free, motivated, healthy and your love life is
finally what you’ve always dreamed of. You know what this means? Prepare for a shitstorm, starting tomorrow. You’ve reached the top and there ain’t nowhere to go but down. Treat today like it’s your last day on earth, because when you wake up tomorrow and realize how wrong everything suddenly is, you might just kill yourself.

Capricorn
Today you’re advised to be wary of the activities you engage in. For example, a well-executed, drug deal is a fantastic way to make a quick 200 dollars. However, a shady, poorly-planned drug deal is a great way to land your ass in jail. Use your common sense and today should be a good day.