Musings With Veen

I was drinking with some friends the other night and discussing movies, so the topic naturally turned to the upcoming Transformers 2.

Now, my friends aren’t particularly snobby or anything, but they seemed to genuinely doubt my excitement about such a shameless summer explosion-fest, and a sequel at that. One of our group noted that I have always been overly partial to the genre of giant robots, and that I might be a tad biased.It was also brought to my attention that the film is directed by Michael Bay, who isn’t exactly known for subtext, or even text.

“It’s like when you’re gay,” I declared loudly to nobody in particular, gesticulating wildly with a handful of french fries for emphasis. “You come out and your parents get all freaked out and say it’s just a confusing time but you know, deep down, or it could be right at the surface, that you need to have a man inside of you. Doesn’t matter if you’re ashamed or feeling guilty… you just can’t deny that ache.” I was told later that I was so into my speech that some people suspected I was coming out right then and there. But that’s just how I feel about robots fighting.

I know it’s juvenile. I know it’s going to be an awful movie. I just can’t help it. I’m gay for robots fighting. And I want those robots to fight inside of me.

How Glad are We to Live as Slave-Drones in a World Gone Mad? Very.

Ever since our offices were stormed by University death squads and our minds erased, our opinion of the nightmarish dystopia in which we live has gone way up! In fact, ever since Frohnmayer declared himself Emperor-for-Life of Frohmania, things have been pretty darn good!

To those foolish few who reject the benevolent love of the Frohn, we would like to point out all the things that make Frohnmania so great:

Remember when we didn’t live in liquid-filled tubes? Man did that suck. And being pneumatically whisked from our holding cells to obedience classes? So much fun!

Remember last year when we broke the story about the Great Plan militarizing the University? We said it would be a bad thing. How silly we were.

We all remember what happened to Sam and Johnny when they came out against the Great Plan. Although their heads have long since rotted off the spikes outside Johnson Hall, their story still reminds us to love our glorious leader unconditionally.

Thanks to the lobotomies, we can hardly remember back to time when things weren’t prefect. In the hazy past of last summer, we remember something about a campus curfew. Then forced breeding, feeding tubes and mind wipes.

We remember that things weren’t always easy for our wonderful society. Last summer, Kitty Piercy, encased in a giant cyborg body bristling with all manner of death rays, nearly defeated Frohnmayer in single combat. Oh the joy when the smoking hulk of that inhuman Mayor crashed to the ground!

Well, it’s almost noon, time for the Daily Devotion and Cleansing of the Colons. The boots of the guards are making a happy clomping sound as they come to place us oh-so-gently back in our living-tubes. Until next time: may your thoughts be pure and your actions pleasing to the Frohn, long may he reign.

University Plans New Classes for 2009

According to a Monday press release, the following new courses will be available beginning Fall 2009:

CLOSET 143
Breaking the News to Your Parents
This will be a mandatory course for all male students in the Drama and Dance Departments. The class will focus on the finer points of how to tell your parents they will never have grandchildren. Options of how and when to tell them, such as over Thanksgiving dinner or during a game of charades, will also be covered. A similar course will also be offered to female athletes on the softball and crew teams.

TOADY 178
Making the Most of Your Education
This course is mandatory for all freshmen enrolled in any science, pre-med, or engineering major. The course will focus on how students can better cater to the every whim of their professors. Lessons will include dealing with professors who can’t speak English, don’t care about the class, think of you all as research subjects, reiterate the textbook word for word, and, of course, the importance of always buying books written by your professor.

ENGR 257
Socializing for Engineers
Engineering students will be taught the finer points of socializing with the opposite sex. This material will include such topics as making eye contact, not mumbling, not talking about math, and shaving regularly. In addition to engineers, students from the Communications and Political Science departments will also be required to take this course; it’s not like they don’t have the free time.

RW 421
Getting a Real Degree
Students in Women’s Studies and African American Studies will be required to take RW 421 in their senior year. RW 421 will inform students about opportunities available to them when they realize their degree means jack shit in the real world. They will learn the importance of not wasting another four years of their life and how to focus on a degree that will actually land them a decent job.

Current Issue

Download Issue #3